SquirrelMan, The Organizational Superhero

My picture nameOkay, so I was watching the new Batman movie the other day and it inspired me with a terrific idea (sound of people taking cover). The idea in the movie is that Batman is not a man, but a symbol, and not an individual, but a primordial force, something feared by everyone on a near-subconscious level, an incorruptable elemental force for justice, and this gives him his crime-fighting power. This got me to thinking about getting things done at the office and whether the same principle, the Batman Factor you might call it, might be applied to office organization as well.

Of course, walking around the office dressed like Batman would be just plain crazy. No one would take you seriously walking around dressed as a bat in Accounts Receivable. No, I realised that if this is going to work, it needs to be an animal known for hard work, forethought and stick-to-it-iveness, an animal which strategically plans ahead and proactively initiates, that does what needs to be done. Then it hit me: Squirrelman!

My picture nameYes sir, that's the ticket. Squirrels plan ahead for the long, cold Winter. They tirelessly gather nuts and then feed on the fruit of their labours all Winter long, while less well-prepared animals are waiting in line for government benefits. Squirrelman will be a symbol for productivity and hard work, fighting bad planning and poor management skills, an elemental, incorruptable symbol to show the work force that their company does not belong to the incompetent and the lazy. A symbol... for business justice.

Basically, this is how it would work. Just get a big squirrel uniform, put it on at work and instantly transform yourself from an ordinary worker, an mere organizational link in the chain, to a superhero of planning, a being which cannot be silenced, intimidated or ignored. A symbol for getting things done.

Picture Squirrelman at a budget meeting: Everyone comes in and sits down, organizing themselves for the meeting and suddenly you scramble up from under the table, strewing papers and coffee cups everywhere and scamper across the table throwing nuts at people, screaming, "Planning ahead is everyone's primary action item!". When people ask you who you are, you grab them with your underdeveloped but surprisingly nimble forearms, pull their face close to yours as you wiggle your nose back and forth, and say in a gravelly voice: "I'm Squirrelman".

Admittedly, Squirrelman wouldn't have a lot of cool superpowers, except being able to wack people with his bushy tail, but that's okay, because this deficiency is offset by his super cool secret hideout, inside a large hole in a giant redwood tree. There Squirrelman would horde his efficiency manuals and progress reports, ready to spring out of nowhere and throw one down on the floor when it's least expected.

As is the fate of many superheroes, many people will think that Squirrelman is a lunatic, and he will undoubtedly be scorned and ostracized from society, but that doesn't matter, because his superhero persona masks his true identity: Douglas Johnston. Um... better forget I said that. Dum de doo....

So, until next time, keep your pen on the page and your nuts carefully stored away.

Steve Sharam, Master of the Double Entendre

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And every superhero needs a sidekick...

Meet mine, the nut (who writes this column).


Yup, that's me

Nut Boy, saving the world from normality.

Steve Sharam

And somewhere in the darkness...

Bob Kane is spinning his way to Australia in his grave...

Apparently it's nice this time of year

I have that affect on people:P

Steve Sharam

..and there's already a

..and there's already a super-heroine,
Squirrel Girl!


Yup, that's her all right. A more close-fitting costume than I pictured, actually. Well, just `cause you're nuts (rim-shot), I guess that's no reason not to be sexy:)

Steve Sharam

Storage Tips From Squrrels

  • You don't have to be able to find everything, only what you need. - Food cache retrevial rates vary from almost 95% to 26% depending on the abundance.
  • Don't bury anything too deep- caches are between 3cm and 3in deep for easy retrevial
  • Marking things makes them easier to find later- while part of retrevial is memory, scent helps pinpoint a cache once memory gets them in the general area
  • Deal with time sensitive matters before storing them- squrrels bite off the germiateing tips of fast growing acorns before burying them

From Wildlife Online

The circle of life

That's o.k. Such is the circle of life... at least, the circle of my life. I have to say, I was quite surprised that there was already a Squirrelgirl, not because I'm not for equal opportunity, but because I'm always surprised that there are other people as nutty as me:P

Steve Sharam