Hasn't Been Your Year? The D*I*Y Guide To Faking Your Own Death

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Greetings, Steve here, wishing everyone a Happy New Year! This doesn't just seem like idle talk, as, so far in 2006, we haven't had a single hurricane, tidal wave, new wars, or new explosions of ethnic violence. Yes sir, so far, 2006 has turned out pretty well.

Neverthless, The new year is a time not only for celebration, but also for reflection. Reflection comes in many kinds. For example, there is the reflection of the person who looks like they were kicked in the head by a mule looking back at you in the mirror on New Year's Day. But there is also the kind of reflection where you think back over the past year and decide whether you should do something different, make some changes, truly dedicate yourself to being a better and more complete person. Sometimes, though, it's just been such a rotten year that you'd just like to hang it all and start all over again. To this end, we present: The D*I*Y Guide To Faking Your Own Death.

First of all, my appologies to all for the lateness of this post. I have come down with Brontosaurus Death Pneumonia, which has had me sick in bed and two chairs for a few days now. I went to see the pharmacist first thing this morning and she said that if it doesn't get better in a few days, I should make an appointment with my doctor and see if she has one of those suicide machines. Nevertheless, when pressed for a less extreme solution, she recommended some Classic Buckley's smash him in the teeth, drive an ice pick in his skull, kick him in the stomach, it tastes awful but it works Cold Remedy. Let's just say the Buckley's people have a gift for understatement when they say it tastes awful. It tastes like Eau de Motor Oil. I cautiously note that I seem somewhat better.

It's entirely possible that I may not be as coherent as I think I am right now...

Nevertheless, on to faking your own death. Change is much on my mind lately, as I've just graduated university and am moving all the way across the country to Vancouver with my girlfriend Meghan, so life decisions are my focus these days. For example, do we get a small dog, or a large dog? I myself would like a large, manly dog, a dog that can catch a frisbee and mangle robbers, a German Sheppard or Labrador Retriever. Meg wants a dog you can fit in your purse. One of the important apsects of decision making in relationships, I have learned, is compromise. I expect we'll get both a large dog and a little dog and I'll train my dog to catch her dog. Compromise makes everybody happy.

This fact notwithstanding, on to faking your own death. Now, I realise that this is an extreme solution and may not be for everyone. To determine if faking your own death is the right move for you, ask yourself if your life is as messed or more messed up than the people in the following examples.

A group in Holland was were trying for the world record for domino toppling in November and had spent weeks setting up 4 million dominos in the Northern Dutch city of Leeuwarden, when a sparrow flew in the window and promptly knocked over 23,000 dominos. Remaining calm and level-headed about the unforseen setback and realising that setting up dominos is really just a silly past-time and that sparrows are endangered in Holland, they shot it.

If your life seems as messed up as either the domino people or the bird, it might be time to look into faking your own death.

And here is a much worse example. Oh, it's bad. It's really bad. It's the worst example I could find on the internet for the whole year, so you know it must be bad. Daniel Anceneaux, a resident of Marseille, France, had been building an online relationship with a woman he was gradually falling for and who was beginning to fall for him too. They decided to meet for a romantic interlude on a beach after dark and Daniel was greatly disturbed to find that his online romantic interest was his mother. They were accosted by a police officer and blabbed the whole story to him, and it ended up on the evening news. Needless to say, Daniel's father, still married to his mother and unaware of her online exploits, was not impressed. Also possessing a gift for understatement, Daniel is quoted as saying: "I guess that's about as wrong as I've ever been."

If your life is as messed up as any of the people in this story, your should definately look into faking your own death.

Nonetheless, on to faking your own death. I asked Doug Johnston for some help writing this article and he spouted off numerous ways that a person can steal someone else's identity. My first reaction was one of surprise and shock that it was that easy to steal someone's identity. My second reaction was that Doug had put a great deal of thought into this topic. He said he knew all about it only because he'd done work in online security issues before, but I wouldn't be entirely surprised if he suddenly disappeared one of these days. I'd suggest everyone email Doug and ask him for more information. [I prefer not. - DJ]

However, finally, in the end, on to faking your own death. Beats me the heck outta me how you'd do it. I suppose you could use the planner to organize your options for faking your death, to write and edit your alibi and to brainstorm possible new names. Maybe. What do you want from me? My brain went soft days ago. D*I*Y Planner: Bringing you the best in online paper-based fraud, as long as we don't have to think too hard.

Until next time, keep your pen on the page and your identity fluid.

Steve Sharam

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Post incognito...

When I read this two things sprang to mind. 1/ The case of a redundant English paper wallah who used paper to plan the death of his entire family... 2/ a book by David Nobbs entiled The Rise and Fall of Reginald Perrin. I may be entirely wrong here but I assume most of us don't actually want to got to those extremes - unlike some of those on Allen's GTD forum :P What I would suggest to those who find themselves face to face with mother and lacking an Oedipus complex is to try Beck's cognitive behaviour therapy or at least a subset thereof. I envisage a template that has a space for a date (Top right for latin alphabet users) A few lines for an incident report. A box for the accompanying negative thoughts followed by a review space for the positive ones...

Now Steve about that dog. Have you concidered a Madagascan coton? It is the Billy Joel of the dog world. Tiny and bijou, never the less is a babe magnet; can travel on a frisbee before returning it. Your VCR will never be stolen while a coton is in the home - which is more that one can say for the dog. ;)

Uh huh...

The Billy Joel of the dog world, huh? Does it come with those cool sunglasses and crash into things a lot?:P

Steve Sharam

How wrong can I be?

Sorry my mistake. Apparently it is not the Billy Joel of dogs it is the Napoleon. The mistake was due to a Duchamp Pastiche of the great emperor - Napoleon.not Joel - hanging in my study. My apologies to anyone who paid in excess of USD700 only to discover that it does not play the piano, howl in tune, get drunk or crash into things... however it does come with a nifty pair of Ray Bans :P

That's o.k.

that's alright. Can't stay on top of everything:P

Steve Sharam

"am moving all the way

"am moving all the way across the country to Vancouver with my girlfriend Meghan, so life decisions are my focus these days. For example, do we get a small dog, or a large dog?"

I know this is a tongue-in-cheek column, but that's a life decision? Instead of worrying about a dumb pet, why not get married first? That's a *real* life decision.

Good point, but

Oh, don't you start:P Actually, you make a good point, but I think it's a sound theory. Much like living together before marriage, many people are now using pets to gage the potential success of a marriage. Basically, it works like this: Buy a dog and look after it. If it survives, you're marriage probably will too:)
Tongue in cheeck? Moi?;)

Steve Sharam

Doggie Trial

Actually in my family the dog enters in after your married.

You have to raise a dog together before you have kids together. It is not a perfect test, but it shares a lot of the same issues. The bonus is that, if the dog survives it will be availabe for under the high chair clean up duity once you have the kid.

so true

Locksley eats Conor's fallen cheerios every day, and now our one year old has taken to throwing them to the dog.

See, that's multi-tasking

See, that's multi-tasking. What it really comes down to is dollars and cents, a cost/benefit analysis. In the end, a good dog costs about the same as a good vacuum cleaner, except you can't snuggle a vacuum cleaner...at least, not around company.

Steve Sharam

Dogs as stand-ins for kids

Steve, et al.,
I now have a theory much like the one that says people who live together look like one another after much time has passed, usually stated "all old people look alike!" Anyway, in thier infancy, my kids mirrored our dogs: the first was a girl, terribly smart and unusually careful. The first time my daughter walked, she traversed a 20-foot hallway; what I'm saying is she tends to wait until she has a good idea of what she's doing, but then she'll jump off the roof into a snow drift. Our second child is a boy, and much like dog no. 2 (named Loki after the Norse god of mischief in one of my more precognitive moments), will travel headlong into anything and generally come out smelling like a rose; otherwise he'll be tough enough to survive--he're a kid whose favorite thing to do to those he loves is head-butting. (Another mostly Scotch-Irish football hooligan, coming right up!)
Here lately, as my daughter enters her fourth year, she reminds me more and more of my cat: self-contained, apt to be consumed by strange interests, touchy and a picky eater. We'll have to wait and see about my son, he's still in the middle of his dog days.
(N.b.: The fact that all of the cats, save the one I brought into the relationship from a previous one, and half of the dogs are dead or have run off should not be taken to diminish my authority and wisdom in this matter. It may, however, be a cause for concern for my kids.)
Anyway, hope you feel better soon. I always recommend the original green death flavor NyQuil, but only if you can be absent a few days. I don't think it cures anything, but it makes you forget you're sick (and that you shouldn't drive in your condition, and what your address is when the nice policeman asks, and what number you should use for your one phone call, and that someone else has your childhood phone number ...)

Pierce out