Fetish Checklist Template
[Disclaimer: For those people of delicate constitution who turn ablush or swoon at the glimpse of a bare ankle, may I suggest that you read yesterday's post about Ben Franklin's virtue chart instead? Don't say I didn't warn you.... -DJ]
Greetings all, Steve here. Iâ€™ll be your MC today and Iâ€™d like to hereby welcome you to the first day of the rest of your weekend. When we started this little venture, Doug Johnston, chief cook and bottle-washer of this operation, asked me if I could write something humorous every Friday about paper-based planning. I hesitated. 'That doesnâ€™t sound like an innately humorous subject,' I noted with some dismay. It seemed that it would be easier if Doug was to start a site about a troupe of acrobat plumbers or dyslexic cashiers or some topic that promised to lend itself well to humour. 'That may be very difficult, finding something funny every week,' I said, 'but I'll give it a shot.' Three weeks later they put me on LifeHacker.com for my suggestion of using the movie storyboarding templates to organize your life. Since then, my feelings about my role in this site have been gradually shifting. It seems that there is nothing I can suggest, no crazy idea I can come up with, from storyboarding your day to singing your schedule to an old Elvis Presley tune, that one of the relentlessly, violently practical people who frequent this site will not successfully use to actually organise themselves. This shocks no one more than me. In this light, I have started to see myself less as a humorist per se and more as a proponent of what might be called extreme planning, or planning on the edge, if you will. This brings me to todayâ€™s topic, for all of you embracing an alternative lifestyle: a fetish checklist planner template.
Now, I can hear some of you questioning this choice of topic, but hear me out. Iâ€™m going somewhere with this. I actually briefly considered that this topic might be innately offensive, but then I thought, 'Naaa!' They talk about this stuff in Cosmo, for cryin' out loud. Iâ€™d be more likely to offend people on this site if I wrote a post claiming that Windoze and Lynix were fundamentally the same. Even I'm not insane enough to do that. I'd probably wake up with a horse's head in my bed or something. So let's proceed and I'll see if I can't organise our social lives.
I was watching a show last Friday night on Showcase. For those of you outside of Canada, Showcase is a network which, through the week, offers thought-provoking documentaries and award-winning TV dramas, and --over the course of Friday night-- gradually segues from programs about alternative lifestyles to programs about people just being naked for no reason at all. Last week they had a guy wearing a saddle. Eh, whatever does it for you. (Somehow I get the feeling people are going to be responding anonymously this week.) Anyway, as I said, I was watching Showcase last Friday night and a show called Kink came on. This is a documentary shot in Canada about people into alternative lifestyles, which is a subtle euphemism for 'kinky sex'. They showed a professional dominatrix at work and, before starting a session with a client, she went through quite a formal and elaborate procedure of filling out a form, indicating which activities the client was into or willing to try and which they were not. This, she explained, was for both personal and legal reasons, but primarily to make sure the client remained healthy and enjoyed themselves. Safety first, apparently. I noted that she filled out the form electronically, on a spreadsheet program. I thought, 'Now thatâ€™s inconvenient!'
Apparently even people who do this sort of thing recreationally, rather than professionally, are encouraged to fill out one of these forms, mainly for safety reasons, and I thought that if the forms are only in an electronic database, it might be prove quite limiting. Also, it might kill the mood: 'Hold on just a sec, and Iâ€™ll boot up my desktop.' I thought to myself: 'What these people need is a dedicated planner template!'
I know, I know, you were just thinking the same thing yourself. It's amazing when that happens. Now, I have no experience creating proper planner templates, so I just performed a little Photoshop surgery on the standard Next Actions template page and Voila! An easy to use, totally adjustable, totally customizable D*I*Y Planner Fetish Checklist. D*I*Y Planner: Supporting alternative lifestyles, whenever we think of it.
Basically, all you do is whip out your planner, present your partner with a printed checklist of possible activities and they can then check off the options they are interested in. Easy, simple, efficient and convenient, everything D*I*Y Planner stands for. Well, more or less. But I know what youâ€™re thinking: youâ€™re thinking we need a Hipster PDA version of this bad boy, so you can have your fetish checklist on you at all times, ready for anything. Somebody else will have to take up the flag on this one, since thatâ€™s beyond my design skills. Weâ€™re all in this together, people.
Since I realise planning on the edge can be confusing and even somewhat disorienting, I decided to include a few examples of the sort of options you could put in your checklist. Obviously, these options could vary tremendously, depending on personal inclination, and I'm clearly insane, so be creative and come up with whatever suites your lifestyle. This is just to get you started.
The reader agrees that he or she (...or it) is a raging pervert and by signing this page agrees to absolve their partner(s) of all legal repercussions and also of feeling bad. [Please note: Iâ€™m not trained in legal matters, but I do know a lawyer. So, I guess, take that for whatâ€™s itâ€™s worth.] The undersigned agrees that they are interested in the following activities:
- Being restrained with silk ties and forced to watch Richard Nixonâ€™s farewell speech, where he talked about his mother.
- Dressing up like characters from the dark ages and reciting medieval romances in dramatic voices to each other. (And lo, Lancelot looked on the peasant girl, and he was filled with a great horniness.)
- Being held captive against one's will in a fort made out of couch cushions.
- Trading secret decoder rings.
- Dressing up in bunny rabbit costumes and playing 'Republican and Democrat'. ('Teach me about the system, Mr. Bunny Rabbit! Teach me about the system!')
- Dressing up like characters from Middle Earth. ('Who's my little hobbit of lust?')
- Being tied up and slapped with a fish. (Please specify trout or flounder; salmon only for special occasions.)
Well those, of course, are only a few examples, but Iâ€™m sure you can come up with more if you put your mind to it. If anyone has any ideas they'd like to share with the class, please feel free. (Oooo, we're asking for it now. :P ).
Until next time, keep your pen on the page and your planner over the edge.