Aztec Motivational Techniques - Killing Your Co-workers

Motivational Techniques
Greetings all, Steve here, back again. I understand that there are those of you who depend on my organizational suggestions and motivational techniques. Doug told me. He didn't mention that most of these same people also use Velcro shoes and safety sissors. I just assumed that part. Anyway, I'm sorry if I let anyone down by not having a column last week, but I had a very good reason: I'm lazy and disorganized. Also, I was formulating an intriguing new method for motivating and stimulating your co-workers and subordinates. I dare say this new method, patent pending (if I can find someone at the patent office who has a grudge against humanity), will provide your co-workers with the most stimulation they can receive without the aid of funny shaped electrical devices: Ritually sacrificing your co-workers.

Ritual sacrifice, of course, has a long, proud tradition in many cultures. The Carthaginians, Phoenicians, Greeks, Romans, Vikings, Incas, Mayans and Aztecs all engaged in human sacrifice, mainly to try to secure decent parking. The ancient British druids used to make a human sacrifice of anyone who made fun of their cooking. This is still known to be a problem, so be careful when visiting the United Kingdom.

Anyway, this spirit of unadulterated self-interest is what you want to go for when sacrificing your co-workers. This is not as crazy as it sounds. Many companies use punitive measures to ensure hard work and loyalty from their employees, but human sacrifice goes far beyond a simple firing or unpaid leave. If everybody knows that the worst employees get killed, well, people will want to do a good job, won't they?

Look at this way: In ancient Rome, there was a group of female priests called the Vestal Virgins whose job it was to make sure the eternal flame didn't go out. That was it. Pretty cushy job, really. They had socialized medicine, weekly manicures and complementary bus-passes, which for the ancient world was pretty good. If they didn't do a good job and keep the fire going, however, they would be buried alive with little food and water and lose their discount at J. C. Penny's. Now it seems clear to me that all you'd have to do is off a couple of these vestal virgins and the rest would be really strongly motivated to keep the damned fire going already.

Now, I can hear the objections already. "Steve, it's archaic." "Steve, its barbaric." "Steve, you're an idiot." I've anticipated these objections and come up with a less extreme suggestion. If you're against actual murder of your co-workers, you could consider murdering their work. The important thing is to put on a good show. The Aztecs, for example, made the sides of the temples very steep, so that when they threw the dead bodies down the sides they wouldn't get stuck half way, 'cause that would have been just embarrassing. It's all about being dramatic. This is how I see it going.

{Executive wearing a giant headdress and a grass skirt with staplers hanging from each ear and holding a knife covered with printer's ink}: "I, Bob, Junior Vice President Of The Department Of Redundancy Department, having read this report on the Feasibility Of Functional Organizational Integrated Contingency and found it to be an abundant load of horse waste, will now sacrifice this report as a warning to others against being stupid!" {Bob then stabs the report repeatedly, throws the remains down an extra steep staircase and cancels lunch.

I think people would get the point.

To anyone who's made it this far, it will be clear that I'm currently a few pints short of a pub, which is undoubtedly due to the fact that I haven't seen the sun in months. I love the sun. To read about my decent into madness, check out my blog at www.whenrealityknocks.com Until next time, keep your pen on the page and your sacrifices dramatic.

Steve Sharam
www.whenrealityknocks.com

Syndicate content

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.

The Sibyl Rides Out...

Steve, while the idea of ritual sacrifice seems to work in a close society, once we let workers switch careers mid-stream it all falls apart. No, the method I advocate is to employ precognitive druids (possibly with light sabres) as organisational consultants. These people would then roam from company to company giving advice on how one should use their planner (The druids planner that is, not one's own) for day to day activities. For example let us say I need a haircut. By writing the magical incantation 'Get thee to a barbers' I will remember this information without wasting any of the psychic energy I need to do the things I need to do and nobody gets hurt. :D

That's funny

Ya know dude, any time I think I've written something that's just too weird, you out-weird me every time. We should team up and go on the road:) Pre-cog druids with light-sabres. There's got to be a movie in there:P

Steve Sharam
www.whenrealityknocks.com