Job Hunting: The Dreaded Psychological Test

Bust Of Homer
Greetings folks, Steve here. I'm a little late putting up this post, but I actually have an excuse this time. I live in Vancouver and we had a wicked storm the other day that caused mudslides in all three of the city's water reservoirs and made all of our water undrinkable. This being the case, I have spent much of the day at the grocery store elbowing people out of the way to try and get some water.

When you run short of water, you start to conserve in any way that you can. I, consequently, have not had a shower in some time and was sort of pretending like I was camping, though you can go too far with anything. I was trolling around, attempting to hunt down the source of the bad smell permeating our apartment, until I realized it was me. Oh well, the dream is over.

In other news, I got a job. Yes, indeed, I have bounced back and am once again a part of the job market. I'm selling consumer electronics. Selling high-priced stuff at Christmas is very rewarding and by rewarding, I mean profitable. The trick is to keep a straight face. Fortunately, very few customers actually ask you, "Is this going to fall apart 2 days after the warranty expires?" That would be a tough one.

My employer, like many others, requires people to take a psychological test before they will employ you, as well as doing a background check with the police. It gives you a sense of confidence that they are so careful in choosing their employees, until you realize that they actually take considerably less care when allowing people to run for government office.

Nevertheless, I did the psychological test online and it was the third such test that I've taken in my working life. Many of the questions are exceedingly strange and although it's good that the company wants to check on the psychological health of their employees, you wonder who's checking on the mental health of the people who designed the tests. These things are weird, no way around it. First of all, they ask you yes or no questions and then request answers on a sliding scale. Second, they ask you questions that sound incriminating and give you no way out. Third, they ask you questions apparently designed by people who had been drinking Alabama Slammers and engaging in synchronized forehead smashing all night. I have come to understand that the ultimate result of all of these questions is that, well, if you're willing to go through a test like this, you can deal anything a customer throws at you. I present the following actual examples:

You condone stealing from your employer:
A) Above 5 dollars
B) Above 20 dollars
C) Above 100 dollars
D) Give me money right now.

If you saw a fellow employee molesting the merchandise, you would
A) Tell your supervisor
B) Tell your manager
C) Write a letter to your regional coordinator
D) Warn the employee to unplug the merchandise first to avoid injury.

If you were stranded on a desert island with Conan O'Brian, Wolf Blitzer and your 8th Grade science teacher, how would you go about forming a consensus about who to eat first? Use more paper if necessary. Include bibliographical references.

Do you ever become irritated?
A) Strongly Disagree
B) Mildly Disagree
C) Neutral
D) Mildly Agree
E) Strongly Agree

Have you ever considered swearing? (This one I actually saw, no lie.)
A) Strongly Disagree
B) Mildly Don't Care
C) This Is Pointless
D) Chilly Thursday With Possibility Of Rain
E) Your Dry-cleaning Will Be Ready Tomorrow

Your store decides to contribute money to a worthy cause. Which of the following would you suggest?

The Downtown Mission For The Totally Hopeless
Lesbians For Fair Play In Ice Hockey
The Committee For The Eradication Of Silliness
The Cardiac Hypertension Society's Annual Deep-Fried Pig BBQ
Surrealists For Moses

Well, what can you do? And more to the point, what else could I do? Until next time, keep your pen on the page and your answers intelligible.

Steve Sharam

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Classic stuff!

Man, I feel really fortunate that I've never had to take a test like that. I kept looking for the "All of the above" option... maybe you were supposed to use your initiative and write in the correct answer yourself? Oh wait, it was online. Never mind.

I'm glad you passed this challenging examination of your psyche and that you have a job, in time for the holiday season.

I enjoy reading your articles!

It's Nice To Have Work

Thanks, it's a nice change:)

Well, hey, thank you, I enjoy writing them. It's a great way to work through my public service for the court.

Steve Sharam

Congratulations on the new

Congratulations on the new job. However, from your painting I surmise that you have been soul searching. I just hope for your sake you donned a false beard before typing your column...

5 ways to polish your online image

Hmmm, Now I wonder if I should change my D*I*Y user name to Gandalf the Tweed...

[Link fixed. Sard 19/11/06]

your wish is an admin's command

yanno, i think i might JUST be able to do that. *goes into her admin settings to see exactly what CAN be done*

btw, novel's done. yay.

I think you'd have to

I don't think you have a choice, really.

Hey, yea:) What's thenovel about?

Steve Sharam

the novel

*ahem* well, this year's nano novel was about what happens when a tarot ritual goes horribly wrong. i have the whole shebang on my website if you want to read it and see how horribly weird it turned out.