What Kind Of Idiot Are You? Take This Test

Greetings all, Steve here. I'm back today with my final column on idiocy, dealing with Maniacs and Total Nimrods. I apologize for the fact that this column is a week late, but I had to deal with some nimrods of my own and it slowed me up rather a lot. One must always be on the lookout for the Nimrod, always ready in case they attack. Nevertheless, I'm here now, so let's begin with a quick recap of the past few weeks.

The salient points were:

  • I am an idiot.
  • Many other people are idiots.
  • You may be an idiot.
  • What kind of idiot are you?

I talked about the fact that I am idiot. I know this because my girlfriend, Meghan, tells me all the time. "Honey, you're an idiot," she says.

But not everyone is so lucky as to have someone like Meghan around to inform them that they are an idiot and they have to try and figure it out for themselves. That's where I came in with my next column, giving you a checklist to determine what kind of idiot you may be, the first two categories being the General Idiot and Idiot With Regard To Specific Things. In case you've forgotten, you are probably a general idiot if you:

  • Accidentally send a thank-you letter a bus.
  • Think that the fairest way to take care of the national debt would be to print it up as one gigantic bill and run up to someone randomly on the street and give it to him or her. It wouldn't pay down the debt, but at least we'd have someone to blame.
  • Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

In contrast, you may be a specific idiot. One good example of the specific idiot was given to me by my Egyptian History professor, previously mentioned in this column, i.e. Pyramidiology, which is what you get when you mix pyramids and idiots. You are definitely a very specific idiot if you believe that placing an egg in the centre of the Great Pyramid proves that aliens manufactured the pyramids as part of a Masonic conspiracy to put Richard Nixon in the White House, all under the command of that little dog that the Russians blasted into space, who was actually a reincarnation of George III, who talked to trees, because trees are our friends and what's that Martha, little Timmy fell down the well again, well that's what you get for being vegetarians.

Hmm. I had my first Aikido class last night (major technique taught: The Double-Reverse Step-Over Belly Grab) and was spun around a great deal in a circle. It's possible my brain hasn't entirely stopped spinning yet. Nevertheless, I trust you see my point. But the question remains: What of maniacs and total nimrods?

Well, quite simply, you are a maniac if you are not an idiot, but still kind of sound like one. That is to say, you don't do strange things because of some sort of mental deficiency, but simply because you're out to lunch. For example, you are a maniac if you:

  • Perform a ceremony once a day, every day, at noon, wherein you pray to the god Osiris to keep your computer free of viruses. And then you brag that it works.
  • Believe that you are the reincarnated spirit of Joan of Arc's massage therapist.
  • Are convinced that you were sent here from the planet Zanformo to save the people of Earth from self-important movie stars telling you about their religious beliefs.
  • Wear a t-shirt that says, "Moses is my short-stop".
  • Think that Moses is your shortstop.
  • Think of your vibrating cell phone as a sex toy.
  • When people phone for you at work and ask if you're out to lunch the secretary answers, "Yes, very much so. Would you like to speak with them?"

The Total Nimrod is more difficult to define. The nimrod is someone who is perpetually scared of being thought of as an idiot, specific or general, or a maniac and so spends most of their time and energy trying to convince everyone that they're not and ends up looking just as bad in the process. The Total Nimrod brags constantly, postures ridiculously and insults people undeservedly. Being a Total Nimrod is actually considered to be an asset in many upper management positions and is a requirement to work in the Federal Government.

Well, I hope this has been helpful. I can't imagine in what way it could have been helpful, except that maybe it made you feel better about your life, but I hope nonetheless. I guess my work is done. Until next time, keep your pen on the page and your egg in your pyramid.

Steve Sharam

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