Are You An Idiot? Take This Quiz.

My picture nameGreetings all, Steve here again. I apologize for the lateness of my column this week. I got a little behind with things because of the humidity. There is a tremendous amount of humidity where I live, namely Vancouver, as it is located in a temperate rainforest zone. "Let's build a city in the middle of a temperate rainforest," the founding members of the Vancouver community said. I can only assume this was because their brains had gone soft because they had just traveled over the prairies, which is an incredibly boring place to travel over, unless you're a big fan of wheat. Now, I like wheat as much as much as the next fellow, but after 3 weeks of nothing but flat wheatiness, a temperate rainforest probably seemed like Disneyworld, minus the lines. Having said that, the humidity does cause some problems for those of us who must live with our founders decision and if you let the humidity get ahead of you, it can cause serious problems. I wasn't on top of the whole humidity situation and I forgot that I had to go to the doctor for my bi-monthly de-mossing.

Nevertheless, I'm here now, ready to pick up where I left off last week. In case you have blocked last week's column out of your mind, probably with the aid of powerful drugs, I was talking about the fact that I am an idiot. I described the various ways in which I am an idiot (namely being disorganized, backwards, off-kilter and just generally blindingly out to lunch) and ended off with the question of whether you, too, are an idiot. I know, I know, you don't think you're an idiot. You think you're a pretty together person, but it is entirely possible that you are an idiot. After all, a true idiot wouldn't know they were an idiot. There are many possible ways to prove whether or not you're an idiot, but the fact that you're sitting there reading a column written by an idiot doesn't bode too well from the start.

But we need more, so I present Steve's Checklist To See Whether You Are An Idiot. There are, as I discussed last week, 4 general types of idiocy and I'll cover the first two today, being a general idiot and an idiot with regard to specific things, and leave being a general maniac and a total nimrod for next week. Now, I should say before we start that if, in fact, it turns out that you are an idiot, it's not the end of the world. Many successful people throughout history have been idiots,, the Captain of the Titanic and approximately two of the three Marx Brothers. And if all else fails, it may be the case that your existence is meant primarily to serve as a warning to others, which is a valuable public service in itself. This general type of idiocy tends to derive from being so ridiculously out of touch with reality that you're a danger to yourself or those around you. You may be a General Idiot, defined as someone who is an idiot 64.7% of the time or more, if you:

  • Believe that Elvis is alive, married to Elizabeth Taylor and happily employed piloting the space shuttle
  • Wear a swimsuit to work under your clothes instead of underwear, because it feels like a vacation
  • Try to convince your family and friends that there's a market for catapulting caramel at people at high speeds
  • Invented New Coke
  • Take civil defense procedures or league bowling seriously
  • Get into a fight with your spouse over something that is clearly your fault, then walk calmly but briskly out into the hallway and duck and cover until teacher says you can come back.

Are you getting the picture about the General Idiot? In general, he's a person incapable of rational thought who for some reason has not been elected to the federal legislature. We're talking about someone who's completely out to lunch here.

The General Idiot differs in a few fundamental ways from the Specific Idiot, who is also out to lunch, but only with regards to specific things. He seems fairly together most of the time, but when faced with certain types of problems, he totally goes to the zoo. Sadly, most men fall into this category when it comes to trying to figure out what's going on with their wives and girlfriends. Especially when their wives find out about their girlfriends. I myself am of this sad and lonely ilk. The other day my girlfriend, feeling ill, sent me out to the grocery store in search of some Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream. I don't eat ice cream myself and, confronted with the overwhelming number of choices of different kinds of ice cream at the grocery store, I feared that I might be defeated, but I triumphantly returned home with...Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. Well, give me some credit, I was close! To be fair, it did make Meghan feel better, as she laughed so hard she almost lost her spleen. When she recovered, she asked me why I brought home a tub of chocolate chip cookie dough, instead of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and I responded that as a busy professional man, I didn't have time to read the entire label. I'm not sure she completely accepted my explanation. Oh well, we do our best.

And that is the mark of the specific idiot, doing his best, but failing anyway, despite otherwise normal intelligence. To determine if you are a Specific Idiot, ask yourself:

  • Do people at work go way out of their way to avoid giving you certain tasks, because it will make more work for them when they have to clean up after you?
  • Does your family snicker at you a lot when you do something complicated, like dressing yourself?
  • Do people make excuses to not be around you when you do certain things, because they don't want to share in the blame?
  • Have you ever tried to Fed-Ex a totem pole and gotten furious when they refused?
  • Are you not allowed to operate heavy machinery?
  • Are you not allowed to use scissors?

Well, that's all for this week. Next week we'll cover being a Complete Maniac and a Total Nimrod and the different non-profit support groups that exist to assist you. Until then, keep your pen on the page and your ice cream in the freezer.

Steve Sharam

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humor on productivity rocks

I laughed.

But seriously, having humor on geeks articles help to see the productivity thing with a larger view.
I have not seen another productivity site with that kind of articles.
Thanks Steve.

Steve, you Idiot! There

Steve, you Idiot! There were five Marx brothers!

Anyway, great column, as always!

You're both right:)

Who are you calling an idiot?! Oh yeah, me. Well, I guess I was asking for that.
Five Marx borthers, you say? Hmmm...which one wrote the manifesto?

Steve Sharam

Well, if you count the

Well, if you count the brainy brother...Groucho, Harpo, Chico, Zeppo, Gummo and Karl, so six!


Right, Karl. Well, every family has a black sheep.

Steve Sharam