Where Did I Put That?! Losing Things For A Living

Peter SellersGreetings folks, Steve here. This will be my last post for a couple weeks, as I'm dragging my girlfriend to Vancouver Island for a short vacation. My boss suggested that I take a few days off after he noted that I was kicking too many clients in the shins. I've always thought that it's important to kick a few people every day. Helps in dealing with the public. But the boss said I was kicking too many people and I should take some time off, so off I go, but before I leave I wanted to describe what I have come to realise is my ultimate career: Losing Stuff Professionally.

This has not always been my ideal career, it's just something I've come to accept lately. When I was really young I wanted to be a superhero, when I was a little older I wanted to be a teacher and when I was 13, I wanted to be the Honest Male Opinion in a lingerie store. I pictured having a little nametag: Stephen-Honest Male Opinion. Ah, the dreams of youth. And, other times, briefly, I wanted to be a number of other things: A DJ; a part-time fireman, part-time multi-media producer (this made a lot of sense at the time); the talentless lead guitarist for a bad punk band - the list goes on and on.

But now I've come to realise that all of these potential jobs ingore my greatest strength, my greatest natural gift: Losing stuff. Dad's always telling me that I should follow my bliss, in other words, go with what I'm passionate about and what I'm good at. I read once that you should, "Do only what only you can do." And anyone who knows me knows that nobody can lose stuff like I can.

I have elevated losing stuff almost to an art form. Actually, come to think of it, since I got the job at the art gallery, I've started actually losing art as well. So why fight it, that's my question. I started wondering to whom I could market my unusual talent and then, like a flash, I realised the government wants to lose documents at an astonishing rate. Programs that lost staggering amounts of money, individuals who were corrupt, people who were killed because they didn't like Vietnamese food - inefficient government commities, corrupt campaign contributions, spy agencies: it all has to go away. And paper-shredders, burning files, erasing disks: This is all child's play. If you want documents to disappear, just give them to me. Better yet, give them to me and insist that I look after them very carefully and almost instantly, whoosh!, the documents will be gone, sucked into a black hole to another universe, never to be seen again, there to join many of my important documents and most of my socks.

But then it hit me: Why restrict myself to working with government? I should branch out and start losing things for the private sector! Can you imagine the killing I would have made during the tech crash? The Enron's of the world could have given me all of their incriminating stuff and I would have lost it and I actually probably would have made a good witness. This is the key to my approach: Unlike people who intend to destroy important documents, I honestly and genuinely would intend to keep them, but they would disappear instantly and I could say, honestly, on the stand that I had no idea where they were.

"Mr. Sharam...please tell the court where you left the files in question?"

"Dammit! They were right here. I just had them a minute ago! {I run around the courtroom randomly throwing things up in the air, looking for the documents} Just give me a second. I know they're around here somewhere!"

Sometimes, just sometimes, I'm almost too clever for my own good. Until next week, keep your pen on the page and, um...your, um...Damn, I forgot! It'll come back to me.

Steve Sharam
For my revue of the latest iPod accessories, and how they're stupid, visit www.whenrealityknocks.com

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THAT's where all that extra

THAT's where all that extra paper and stuff keeps coming from!


Oh good, send it my way. I've been looking for that.

Steve Sharam

Man, I thought I was great

Man, I thought I was great at losing things. Heck, I haven't been able to find myself in almost a month, and I just went out to buy some sushi and beer.


The trick is not to drink the beer until you get home. Less likely to get lost that way.

Steve Sharam